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Stress Free For Good: 10 Scientifically Proven Life Skills for Health and Happiness
by Frederic Luskin and Dr. Ken Pelletier
Buy this book here: http://amzn.to/2oNa6rb
Buy “Stress Free For Good” Here
My Review & Summary
This was a good read and I recommend it to all Homo sapiens with built-in fight-or-flight response systems.
Why I Read This Book
Ok.Β I get stressed sometimes.Β Well, there are some days when life is downright debilitating and all I can do is wait for the end of the day to come, so I can sleep.Β Sleep had always been my biggest stress reset.Β I knew I needed to fix this.Β So I attacked it with my wicked lawyer skills: read, research, analyze, and cross-examine.Β So far, I have consumed nearly 70 different books, articles, guides, and instructional videos.Β I am currently in the process of writing a book about the subject, and as of this date, my completed initial manuscript is over 109 pages long.Β You can check out my growing work on stress on my stressful page here.Β So, that’s why I read this book.Β It was one of the most recommended books on stress on Amazon.
The Book Genesis
Although it wasn’t exactly what I thought it would be, I totally love this book.Β It’s kind of a mindset guide to reducing toxic levels of stress.Β So, the story here is that a doctor and a guy who wrote a book called, “Forgive For Good” got together and put the doctor’s work into a book form.Β This doctor has helped many people, who were usually referred from other doctors and hospitals, reduce their levels of stress.
A Background on Stress: The Problem
The book starts out by outlining the dangers of prolonged, type 2 stress, what it is and where it comes from.Β The authors define stress as the, βamount of energy you need to adjust to the internal and external demands of your life in a given amount of time.βΒ The idea is that prolonged stress can lead to serious physical and psychological problems.Β The idea is that we need to move prolonged, type 2 stress into manageable type 1 short burst stress episodes, and we do that by shutting down the stress-response system when not needed.
LifeSkills: The Solution
They put together a program of LifeSkills(R) to help you regulate your stress-response system.Β These are usually mindset approaches.Β They wanted a solution to be simple to learn and do and to be lasting.Β The book is full of stories from their patients who have found profound changes from the application of these life skills.Β The idea, which he repeats over and over, is that it takes 10 minutes to learn one of the skills, 1 minute to practice, and 10 seconds to work.Β And that’s basically what the book is about.
Their LifeSkills
Here Are The Life Skills:
- Breathe from Your Belly
- So Much to Appreciate
- Tense to Relax
- Visualize Success
- Slow Down
- Appreciate Yourself
- Smile Because You Care
- Stop Doing What Doesnβt Work
- Just Say No
- Accept What You Cannot Change
Let me go through each of these skills one at a time.Β If you want more details, you can go to my notes below or get the book and turn to that specific chapter.
- Breathe from Your Belly – The first of the LifeSkills, breathing.Β Really.Β It’s simple, but surprisingly effective at dealing with stressful episodes.Β I also wrote a post on it which you can check out here: Breathing for Relaxation.Β The basic idea is that you take a few minutes to breathe intentionally when stressed or at least daily at about the same time each day.
- So Much to Appreciate – This is the gratitude cure.Β The truth is that out thoughts and the way we perceive the world cause all the stress that plagues us.Β The answer, then, is to think about all the good stuff in life, the stuff we are grateful for.Β It’s not an easy skills, although it is a simple concept.Β It takes practice so stop and focus your attention on someone you love, a beautify place, or a kindness done to you.Β Add breathing for good measure.
- Tense to Relax – This is similar to the progressive body relaxation technique.Β I also wrote about this here: Progressive Relaxation Technique.Β The basic idea is that you tense you muscles, then allow them to relax completely.Β When in stress mode, your body activates your muscles without you even knowing, that’s why you get so tired after a long day.Β You muscles have been in idle mode eating up your energy.Β Switch them off by intentionally turning them on then off again.Β Again you can add breathing or affirmations for increased effectiveness.
- Visualize Success – Visualization is nothing new.Β The idea here is that you mind sees in words, sounds, pictures, and textures.Β You paint for yourself a peaceful, safe scene and your mind believes the perceived danger is passed and switches from stress mode to regular mode.Β The benefits are backed by much scientific study.Β It’s all in the mind, right?Β So, start there because your subconscious can’t tell whether those stressful thoughts are real or not, so it just acts on what you imagine.Β The idea here is to imagine a non-stressful situation.
- Slow Down – This idea is akin to mindfulness.Β Bring in a hurry creates more stress than it eliminates.Β You don’t actually get more done, and you miss out on enjoying life as it passes you by.Β The solution, take it easy.Β When you are eating, be there and fully experience the eating.Β When we are hurrying through tasks thinking on getting to the next task our body id hyper-alert on stress-mode and if you prolong that, you get sick.Β So enjoy each moment in itself.Β Visualize having enough time.Β And be present.
- Appreciate Yourself – This is similar to the gratitude skill above, only this skill is focused on you: acknowledge the good you do in life.Β Appreciate the things you do.Β List out the things you do for the world, no matter how small of seemingly insignificant.Β Feel satisfaction and focus on the positive things about you.Β Acknowledge yourself and how you help the world.Β This is reflection time.
- Smile Because You Care – Love is the answer here.Β Remember that the work you do, the people you serve, the busy tasks that occupy you, you all do because you love.Β The reason behind which we do something is often more important than the task we do.Β We started going to work to serve and provide for our family, but when we forget that, it becomes a drudgery.Β Be more purposeful in what you do by simply remembering your purpose.Β Relaxation occurs when you remember your own love.Β And smile, that helps you be happy and full of love.
- Stop Doing What Doesnβt Work – Stop coping with stress through destructive means such as eating, watching TV, complaining, etc.Β Complaining and continuing to try to change things you cannot change leads to frustration.Β Frustration leads to stress.Β Life is going to have challenges.Β You can alter the way you respond to difficult challenges.
- Just Say No – Sometimes we are stressed because we are acting against our will.Β We take on lots of work and feel that we are not in control of our situation.Β When you say, yes, to people and really say, no, we create our own stress.Β Be assertive and say, no.Β When it’s appropriate to say no, you can do so in an assertive, non aggressive, and caring way.Β It’s a skill, and you just need to practice it and meet the challenge one instance at a time.
- Accept What You Cannot Change – For the last skill, the authors take a lesson from the Serenity Prayer, which says, “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.βΒ Sometimes things in life happen or affect us and are outside our circle of influence.Β That is we can’t do anything to change them.Β But there are plenty of things inside our circle of influence that we can change.Β The skill here, therefore, is to stop thinking about the things we cannot change and focus on the things we can.
That’s it.
My Notes
Okay, I’m a bit of a nerd.Β I love to consume books and spend time with them and really glean wisdom from them.Β So, I dissect them by pondering on every meaning and organizing those thought into note form.Β Below are my notes from this book.Β I understand they are quite extensive, but it acts as my archive of all the lessons learned.Β I can also readily find what I’m looking for this way.
Download my notes: Stress Free For Good.docx
Forward & Introduction
- This guide
- Practical ideas -> healthy lifestyle changes (root cause not just symptom management)
- Based on science
- Builds skills
- For anyone
- Start at any level with any skill
- Integrative medicine
- Combining traditional and alternative medicine
- Alternative medicine comes from historical roots
- A return to incorporating alternative medicine is just the pendulum swinging back
- Science wasnβt the answer to everything β nature already had some answers
Intro
- There is much information out there on Stress
- There are so many people stressed out
- Stress causes other life problems: health, relationships, and happiness
- Why are they stressed (and suffering from those maladies)?
- There is lots of information out there
- They donβt have the life skills
- The Stress-Free program covers that
- The program and the skills
- The skills are based in science & experience
- Clear, simple, and direct (teachable)
- Learned in 10 minutes
- Practiced in 1 minute
- Work in 10 seconds
- Leads to optimum performance zone
- Used these skills for 7 years in clinical research and programs
- The Worldβs Approach
- Problems presented
- Something you can buy to solve that problem
- FALSEHOOD: solution resides outside yourself
- TRUTH: peace of mind costs you nothing
- TRUTH: solution is inside you
- Practice is key
- Learn
- What causes stress
- Pathways of fear, anxiety, and anger
- Effective practices (skills)
- Simple enough instruction
- Profound results
- NEED: must practice what you learn
- Apply or use your skills
- Stories (examples)
- Mark
- He knew a lot about stress
- Very educated
- Very sick (from stress)
- Mark knew, BUT he didnβt do
- When he did, he was better
- Sarah
- Hypertension
- Doctors simply gave medication (external solution)
- She learned how to relax β got better
- Thatβs what this book teaches
- Life Skills
- For everyone (not just the overly stressed and sick)
- Understand stress (CH 2)
- The pathways and mechanisms
- Manage stress
- Not stopping it
- Itβs impossible
- Besides, you donβt want to
- Stress can also serve you
- Break-even β get back to zero
- Not stopping it
- Greater happiness and satisfaction
- Live life to its fullest!!
- Quiet peace inside
- Must
- Learn to appreciate good things already there
- Slow down
- Assert yourself
- Choose the right course
- Tune your nervous system
- To function within your goals and values
- (all life skills here)
- Stories
- Dr William James
- Founder of psychology β dark depression
- Realized he had a choice
- Choose to redirect the mind
- Leveraged this idea to escape crushing depression
- Kathy
- Great health
- But needed help managing life
- Endless stream of responsibilities
- Learned to relax and say, βnoβ
- So helpful
- Jim
- Chronically frustrated with all the work to do
- Resentment from being taken advantage of
- Learned to say, βnoβ
- Turn off mind chatter with meditative breathing
- What a difference that made
- Dr William James
- Mark
- Problems presented
The Life Skills
- Breathe from Your Belly
- So Much to Appreciate
- Tense to Relax
- Visualize Success
- Slow Down
- Appreciate Yourself
- Smile Because You Care
- Stop Doing What Doesnβt Work
- Just Say No
- Accept What You Cannot Change
1. The Birth of LifeSkills
- Life skillsβ¦
- Examples
- Create physical relaxation
- Emotionally stable
- Ability to respond appropriately
- They are for everyone
- Help you enter a state of peacefulness
- Require practice
- Clinical research confirms skills work
- Can be learned in a short time
- 10 min to learn
- 1 minute to practice
- 10 seconds to work
- Not break free
- More than just returning to neutral
- Get more out of life β go further
- Shorten time
- Move from old tired stressed -> optimal response
- His story of how the program started
- Had information
- Needed simple steps
- (bite-sized chunks)
- Stories
- Kelly (stressed sophomore) story
- Simple exercise, take regular breaks and relax
- Workload increased, but coping skills rose to meet the challenge
- Bill cared for injured wife
- Caretakers suffer more than most
- Taught life skills
- Difference between have to and care to do
- Saying no compassionately
- Melissa stressed model
- Began to feel numbness
- Practiced 1 life skill
- Began to remember trauma of molestation
- Her numbing to the trauma took tangible form in her extremities
- Life skill of reexperiencing the trauma as a quiet observer
- Consistent practice replaced numbness with positive emotions
- More than just breaking even
- Stress leaves symptoms
- People can suffer for years
- They suddenly improve
- Research
- Bold claims backed by research
- Specific for this program over 5 years (there is lots of previous research, too)
- Arose from concern to address the emotional and psychological factors along with the physical
- Started with classes -> then moved to a quick, simple sessions (10 min)
- Simple instructions & 1page practice sheet
- Early reports: program clearly made a difference (emotional & physical)
- Inner city group
- Successful: lower heart disease risk & raised quality of life
- Pilots β free weekly installments (online)
- Methods effective even without a nurse teaching them
- Heart disease patients
- Modules delivered 1 / week @ 10 min each
- Improved quality of life by 10%
- Program well liked 4.7/5.0
- Financial Service advisors β experiencing stress of stock market
- Specific skills selected for each person individually (3 skills each)
- Reduced stress by 20%
- Experienced positive wellbeing 20%
- Sales grew 10-24% (control group 4-11%)
- Helped improve bottom line!
- All participants
- 25% improvement in positive feelings
- Next step: learn about stress
- Bold claims backed by research
- Kelly (stressed sophomore) story
- Examples
2. Stress: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
- Stress is part of life
- Canβt avoid it
- Natureβs way to prepare us for lifeβs demands
- Stress pushes you and drives you to do necessary tasks
- In order to stay alive, must handle a little bit of stress
- Stress is NOT the problem
- Too much stress IS the problem
- How much
- How often
- Solution: skills to regulate how much and how often
- Too much stress IS the problem
- Most stress
- Events
- Uncontrollable
- Unpredictable β perhaps part of βcontrolβ
- Definition people have (On Control)
- When things are βout of controlβ
- βNo longer copeβ¦β
- Letting go of need to control -> increase happier & fulfilled
- Events
- Managing stress
- Coping mechanisms
- Good: life skills
- Bad: abuse & repression
- Goal: armature -> professional stress-manager
- Keep what you ALREADY know
- But may not be good enough alone (obviously not if you are stressed out)
- Add these sure, proven skills
- Coping mechanisms
- Practice
- Practice is important
- Must understand stress
- Itβs effects on us
- Stress response
- 2 kinds of stress
- Dangers of too much stress
- Optimal performance zone
- Bottom line
- TOO MUCH STRESS IS BAD
- Demands to much time and energy
- This energy drain can be used for other things in life
- It wears you down
- The Stress Response (fight or flight response)
- Physical responses help prepare us for a fight or to run away
- The body moves energies and resources away from less vital functions like digestion or reproduction to more survival functions like running and thinking
- The body does this same shift whether you face a real-life hungry Bear or imagine being late for a flight
- Modern day threats are mostly imagined
- Running away or fighting (which may have relieved the source of stress with a Tiger) wonβt work in modern ages
- Stress just stays there, causes physical symptoms, and spirals downward
- Physical effects of stress
- Stress is a healthy physical response to external stimuli
- We experience physical changes like our heart pumping fasterβ¦
- Psychological response of stress
- Focus on the danger (instinctively)
- Keeps attention, but limits solution finding resources
- We react rather than think
- Blood flows from brain to limbic system, which allows you to react (rather than think)
- These automatic responses save us time
- Unfortunately, the automatic responses preclude options that require reasoning
- The fight or flight responses my lead us to scar relationships in tense situations when calm reasoning would obviously be a better solution, for example
- Sometimes, the curt, automatic responses might actually lead to more danger or more stress
- Focus on the danger (instinctively)
- Two Types of Stress
- Stress (Technical Definition): βamount of energy you need to adjust to the internal and external demands of your life in a given amount of timeβ
- The balance between
- What you have to do
- Resources you have to do it with
- (time the most key resource)
- Type 1 Stress
- Immediate, identifiable, resolved quickly
- Can be pleasurable and exciting
- Type 2 (long-term)
- Source unclear, not immediate, not recognizable
- Chronic persistence
- Response to a recollection
- Multiple challenges stack upon each other
- This is most of the stress we feel
- This stress CAN KILL YOU
- Increased physical problems
- Weakened immunity, focus, energy
- Optimal Performance Zone
- Balance of effectiveness β between capacity to create and capacity to cope
- Mind / Body Medicine β practicing preventative approaches
- Break it down
- Move Type 2 Stress to Manageable Type 1 Stress elements
- Balance
- Not Too Little
- Doing and accomplishing nothing
- Enough
- Experience enough to feel challenged
- Victorious over lifeβs challenges
- Not Too Much
- Frustration Zone
- Overwhelmed
- Developing this Optimal Performance Zone
- Simple, deceptively
- Break Type 2 into Type 1
- How
- Look for physical or psychological clues (responses)
- Tight muscles β irritability
- When triggered, initiate the corresponding life skill
- Drops you out of stress warp
- IDEA:
- Spend less time stressed
- More time physically & psychologically relaxed
- Example: Bill Processors
- They were in a constant flow of work bills coming in to be processed
- They were stressed and had begun developing physical symptoms
- SOLUTION: allow them to interrupt work whenever they wanted to practice a life skill
- RESULT: more work done, things processed, and less stress & physical strain β even more accurate performance
- Look for physical or psychological clues (responses)
- Not Too Little
- Source unclear, not immediate, not recognizable
- Immediate, identifiable, resolved quickly
3. Breathe from Your Belly
- Story of Maddy
- Tired, stressed, tired, unfulfilled, and overworked
- Successful on the outside
- Empty and hallow on the inside
- Breathing
- They noticed breathing was shallow
- Not getting enough oxygen
- Breathing mirrored her sense of unease
- Taught breathing
- RESULTS
- More enjoyable
- More productive
- Jackβs story
- Suffering from sciatica
- Taught breathing
- Able to calm down
- Less intense pain
- Cathyβs story
- Completing a college degree
- Rushing through life, not having any fun
- Taught breathing
- Made better use of time
- Had better perspective
- Belly-Breathing Life Skill
- Simplest life skill β just breathe like your body is supposed to
- Important of all β determines how much stress we experience
- Slow Down
- Focus on belly
- Breathing β Why itβs important
- Autonomic Nervous system β (heartbeat, digestion, & respiration)
- Can be controlled
- Breathing is the TOOL to control it (belly breathing_)
- Both Automatic & Voluntary
- This juncture makes this POWERFUL
- Autonomic Two Branches
- Sympathetic
- Helps us deal with stress
- Initiates fight-or-flight response (STRESS)
- Gears up to respond to danger
- Only ON or OFF
- ON too much makes it hard to shut down
- Parasympathetic
- Relaxes us β unwind
- Sit quietly & enjoy life
- Slow, regular, abdominal breathing
- The technique
- Tell your body the threat has passed
- Increased depth
- Decreased rate
- Links your sympathetic and parasympathetic systems
- Properly regulate this and get to the optimal performance zone
- Practice
- Inhale β balloon belly
- Hands on belly β watch rise and fall
- Focus on belly rise and fall (slowly)
- TIPS
- Daily
- Sometimes 5-10 min
- While stressed or not
- Belly breathing is the FOUNDATION of the Stress-Free program
- Tell your body the threat has passed
- Sympathetic
- Autonomic Nervous system β (heartbeat, digestion, & respiration)
4. So Much to Appreciate
- TRUTH: Stress is everywhere β you canβt avoid it
- Lifeβs hassles
- Minor hassles have a cumulative effect
- The Art of Appreciation
- Immediate help
- Appreciation: Simple act of noticing what is good
- Being grateful
- Being able to NOTICE THE GOOD in every day and every situation
- Marvel at the simple
- Simple is NOT Easy
- This skill is much harder than it sounds
- Requires focus in the midst of NOISE & CHAOS
- Easy to miss simple wonderful things common in life
- Millions of ways it can go wrong, but only one way it will go right (simple and common)
- Body & Mind: Naturally built to FOCUS on whatβs wrong and out of place
- People able to see clearly whatβs wrong
- Suffer from losing sight of whatβs right
- Stress makes more stress
- Lose sight of good
- Focus on the bad -> leads to more stress
- Too much stress -> causes physical problems
- Stress gained in one area -> affects other areas of life (e.g. difficult boss causes even driving to be stressful)
- Becomes Type2 β like you are in danger ALL THE TIME
- Stories
- George β can explain in detail pressures of work and a demanding boss
- Liked the opportunity to make lots of money and the challenge of the job
- The job is difficult, demanding, and tiring- new boss was exacting
- Work and life lost the fun-ness
- Problems so large they blotted out the sun
- When he first came, he wanted to rant about his boss
- They asked him to speak about his family
- See the good part of even the bad things
- Elaine β understood very well the huge struggles of the family
- Jill β clear about difficulties living with chronic illness
- Managing her illness every day made her frustrated
- Jill began to talk about discomfort of managing diabetes
- After listening to her, they asked her to see the good in her situation
- She realized that appreciation made her feel better
- She realized that her suffering came from concentrating on suffering
- Lois β an emergency room nurse
- Worked in a high-stress environment
- She naturally loved nature
- They asked her to focus on nature
- It took 15 seconds to βappreciateβ the good
- Appreciation Practice Reverses Downward Stress Trend
- Treasure good β focus on it
- Spend time and energy on good
- Fuels and Activates the Parasympathetic nervous system
- Reverses the stress response
- Nervous system is set up to make sure youβre safe
- Body can be taught to respond differently
- Spending a few moments thinking about the lovely things in life will trigger the βsafeβ mode of the nervous system and allow the body to βenjoyβ life
- Like you have two modes
- βenjoy lifeβ &
- βdefend lifeβ
- Positive, appreciative, and loving thoughts
- Body recognizes β there is nothing to defend against
- How
- Learn to focus attention
- Learn to recognize the good in life
- Put your mind at peace by thinking of peaceful things
- Practice
- Purpose: Look at good in life & feel peace
- Daily
- Review day β what needs to be done
- Think of two specific things you are thankful for
- At stressful time
- Deep belly-breaths
- Think deeply of one of the following
- Someone you love
- A beautiful place
- A kindness done to you
- During day⦠focus on the following
- 15-30 seconds β focus on someone you love
- 15-30 seconds β beautiful place
- 15-30 seconds β kindness done to you
- George β can explain in detail pressures of work and a demanding boss
5. Tense to Relax
- Stories
- Joann β felt sick after talking to ex
- Her body looked tight
- Kathy β boss caused her stress
- Tense and tight around boss
- Learned tense to relax
- Realized her normal was tense
- As body relaxed, mind was free
- Both women
- Tight posture and tense movements
- Forgot how to relax
- Tight muscles and racing heart as normal
- Body so used to tenseness β it could no longer relax
- Learned the tense to relax skill and showed improvement in short time
- Jonathan β Silicon Valley
- Very successful
- No sleep, ate junk, worked long hours, no friends
- Market crashed, and real estate plummeted
- Had a heart attack
- Too tense too often
- Minds agitated β canβt think straight
- Body in pain and tensed (aching back and neck)
- Quiet and Focus minds β only possible in a comfortable state
- Normal stress response
- Muscles tighten
- Blood flow to hands and feet
- Preparation to fight or flight
- Can teach body the opposite reaction
- Tensing up in order to relax
- Short periods of daily practice
- Focuses on quieting activity of the body
- Muscle feel
- Tense & contracted β feel light
- Relaxed β heavy (like when sleeping)
- Relax to utmost
- After having been tense
- Muscles relax the most after being tensed
- Quick change
- Movement from tense to relax is quick
- Almost instantaneous after practicing
- IT RESETS TENSE MUSCLES
- Practice β necessary
- Relax body
- Free mind
- Research Based
- Edmond Jacobson
- People activate muscles just by thinking about activity even though no movement is observed
- People tense their muscles even without realizing it
- Practice
- Purpose:
- experience muscle tension & relaxation;
- relax deeply,
- relax body & free mind
- Method
- Deep belly breaths
- Tighten body part for 2-3 seconds
- Relax on exhale β let it drop heavy
- Repeat with next body part
- Affirmation:
- βI have all the time in the worldβ
- βI am relaxed and at peaceβ
- When
- Before bed, exercise, or when wake
- At desk, in traffic, etcβ¦
- Purpose:
- Joann β felt sick after talking to ex
6. Visualize Success
- Stories
- Sam β had a very difficult decision
- Wanted to please everyone
- Agonized and got headaches, neck spasms
- Every time he looked for a solution, stress clouded his thinking
- He learned to visualize a successful outcome
- Experiment from Sam
- Imagine cutting an orange
- Triggers saliva
- Peaceful images can trigger destress
- Difficult decision
- Led to seeing his family and employer as Burdens
- Imagined
- Carrying burden on back > back pain
- Difficulty > pain in neck
- Constantly picturing himself failing
- Saw his daughter hating him
- Used negative images to make himself miserable
- Cyndi β single parent of 2 sharing custody with ex
- Lots of chores and responsibilities
- Headaches & backaches & posture
- Crawled into bed exhausted and discouraged
- Pictured herself like a failure
- Her image of herself had affected her body
- Bad posture
- Hard time believing
- Thoughts >>> caused >>> headaches and back pain
- Images in mind are powerful
- Stress Trigger
- Mind thinks in
- Words, sounds, pictures, textures
- These can trigger stress (real or imagined)
- These can shut off stress (any kind)
- Seeing negative images in the mind -> detrimental physical effects on body
- Muscles clench & become rigid
- Tight back muscles -> back pain
- Self-fulfilling prophecy
- Negative mental images creates negative events
- Connection body & mind
- Symptoms are tools our body uses to communicate with us
- Visualizing Success
- Replace negative/stressful images with positive/successful images
- How?
- Start with what is bothering you, and imagine the perfect scenario or response
- Imagine being successful in that area of your life. What does that look like?
- Create a picture of a successful version of you
- Picture a perfect day (this gets you clear on what you want)
- Describe this exactly with images, feelings, and all the senses
- Replacing bad thoughts with positive thoughts
- Absence of negative thoughts stops triggering stress response system
- Presence of positive thoughts begins to trigger the rest & digest system
- Visualizing success helps calm the body
- Helps body & mind to create better solutions to our problems
- Scientific studies
- Pain reduction
- Improvements in physical function
- Mental outlook
- Success study β 6 steps (20 minute process)
- Clarification β say exactly what you want to improve
- Deliberation β brainstorm ideas of what might make that happen and what that looks like
- Choice β choose exactly and precisely the future you want (imagine using your own intelligence)
- Affirmation β affirm your ability to creatively solve problems that will get you there
- Planning β make a plan of how to carry out the successful images with specific steps (reherse the plan in your mind)
- Acting on the Plan β think of the specific steps, imagine you are doing them, prepare for them, do them
- Benefits of the above action plan process
- Relaxed
- Smile
- Hopeful
- New ideas
- Stress went away
- Headaches went away
- Regained relationships
- Practice Life Skill
- Purpose β solutions & success
- Think
- Area you want success in
- Breathe
- Visualize β vocalize the vision β feel it
- Plan for it
- Tips: start small, daily, multiple times a day, write down ideas, take your time
- When: before stressful event,
- Mind thinks in
- Sam β had a very difficult decision
7. Slow Down
- Everyone: Donβt have time
- Too busy β too many demands β energy sucked by work
- Stories
- Sally β mother of three
- Never a quiet moment
- Feels guilty if not serving children
- Milt β children gone off to college
- Feels need to do business all the time
- Mark β college student
- Took on extra to get ahead
- Louise β retired
- If not busy, wasting retirement
- Being in a hurry
- Creates more stress than it eliminates
- Doesnβt mean you get more done
- All believed β success came from business & doing a lot
- Not enjoying
- Dilemma
- Accomplish much, but have peace & joy
- Tasks done: but life not accomplished
- Negative impact
- Relationship β Fail to make time for family & children
- Fail to appreciate & enjoy beauty of the world
- Physical
- Blood pressure high
- Eating too fast β
- Eating satiates & gives a relaxed feeling
- Not enough time to feel full β get fat
- Poor way to manage stress (not effective)
- Tired, hungry, and not able to make good eating decisions
- High risk of heart disease & attacks
- HOW TO TELL YOUβRE TOO BUSY
- Canβt remember
- Ate too fast
- Say, βNot enough timeβ too much
- Feel something missing
- Donβt enjoy the moment
- Always rushed
- Interrupt conversations
- NOT ENOUGH TIME >>> STRESS
- Visualization experiment
- Close eyes & imagine a super busy day
- Close eyes & imagine restful paradise
- Slowing Down: Important life skill
- Helps us see & enjoy lifeβs beauty
- Slowing is simple β but requires practice & effort
- This is an OFF switch for stress
- Raisin experiment
- Eat a raisin quickly
- Then take your time to think about it and savor it
- Compare the experience
- Benefits are
- INSTANTANEOUS
- Simple change
- Lower blood pressure
- Lower stress chemicals (such as renin)
- How?
- As simple as
- Paying attention to what you eat
- Being in the moment
- Be mindful
- Take time to listen β in conversations
- Imagine it
- Sense it: smell, touch, taste, listen, observe, feel emotionally
- Slow down
- Do each task as if it is very important. β βeven laundry can be done with calm attention.
- Only focus on the immediate chore
- Do what you are doing only with attention and care
- Rewrite belief
- I donβt have enough time to >>> I have plenty of time
- Visualize having enough time
- Relationships β be positively involved with people
- Time with loved ones β buffers stress > you live happier lives
- People are worth the effort β we all need people
- SOLUTION: take time to build the relationships
- Focused conversation β with no distractions
- Ask loved on if you are paying enough attention to the conversation
- Listen without multi-tasking
- BENEFITS
- Get more out of conversations
- People had much to offer him
- People were interested in him
- Felt understood
- When?
- Donβt slow down all the time
- Just use it as your OFF switch
- Idle time: waiting in line, rushing
- Practice
- Purpose: reduce body strain
- Free up energy
- Time to appreciate
- Methodology
- Mindfulness
- Do activity slowly, carefully, with focused attention, mindfully, deep breaths, detailed observations
- Visualize
- Repeat & Visualize: βI have all the time that I need.β
- βI canβt go any faster than the maximum I am capable of.β
- Relationships
- Slow down and talk to family and friends without distractions
- Mindfulness
- As simple as
- Sally β mother of three
8. Appreciate Yourself
- Builds on βSo Much To Appreciateβ chapter (CH4)
- Notice the beauty >> Appreciating yourself
- REMEMBER: Purpose here is not just to reduce stress, but also to be happier
- Mood & Physical Complaints
- High blood pressure
- Headaches, back aches,
- Exhaustion
- Sense of urgency or impatience
- The Real Issue: Not Happy Enough
- People donβt come out and say it, but the plea is there
- Stories
- Sarah β Carer for disabled husband, Jim, and working to make ends meet
- Developed High bloodpressure
- Putting on weight
- Told her she was a hero: listed all the amazing things she does
- Craig β overworked accountant
- Severe back pain
- Negative thinker β thinks about what he might have done wrong
- Stress came from his imagination
- Concentrating on negative made him miss out on positive
- The Appreciate Yourself (enjoy life) skill
- Help enjoy and relish life
- Help acknowledge the good you do in life
- Appreciate things YOU do (good, loving, helpful) – RECOGNITION
- Acknowledge β Happiness IS Possible
- Troubles exist, but happiness can exist there, too
- Suffering will come, but how much and how long is choice
- Affects
- Lead people to have more positive experiences
- Reduces stress
- Enhances well-being
- Greater contentment
- Practice
- List out all the good things you do do
- Answer two questions:
- What would the world lose if you stopped doing all that you do?
- Who is helped by us
- Do you wish to see the cup of your life as half full or half empty?
- You have a degree of choice as to how you see your life (always within our control)
- Choose to appreciate all the good or focus on the alternative
- Regardless of what we can physically do, we can change the way we feel about it
- Key to making this work well
- Understand β what we appreciate doesnβt have to be big or significant
- There is good out there everywhere, we just have to look (not look hard, but just simply patiently look)
- Not need to be a big deal
- Just anything remotely worthy of admiration
- Pay attention to self-talk
- Expect the best
- Take a neutral stance, not worried either way, will just deal with it
- Wait and see approach
- How to
- No self-aggrandizement or pompous posturing and boasting
- Regularly appreciating, in the quiet of your own heart and mind, your own special skills
- Cause yourself to feel satisfaction
- Reflect on how good you are at something
- Do things well, with passion, and mindfulness, take pride in what you do, slow down
- Get into the habit of finding positive things to think about yourself
- Acknowledge yourself
- Practice Summarized
- Purpose: appreciate your talents, what you do, and acknowledge your βworthinessβ
- List ways that you were helpful
- Recognize kind things you do (even little ones)
- When: use when you are not appreciated or when you are overlooked
- What would the world lose if you stopped doing all that you do?
- Sarah β Carer for disabled husband, Jim, and working to make ends meet
9. Smile Because You Care
It seems to me this has more to do with having a purpose (and that purpose being service because you love)
- Extension of CH 8 Appreciate yourself
- Lots of people are under lots of pressure
- Easily point out what is wrong in the world
- Forget the care and love that underlie the hard work
- What they should focus on
- Honor the responsibilities they face
- They do because they love (someone)
- Pay attention to the love that underlays their work
- Strong feelings of love
- Brought to the surface
- Remembered
- Provide energy & motivation to work hard and enjoy it
- Connects us with our deeper purpose
- Soothes our stress
- Makes work meaningful
- RECOGNIZE & Remember β we do because we care
- Failure to take your own love to heart β lost opportunity
- Tap into your purpose
- DO GOOD AND HELP OTHERS
- Stories
- Judy β overwhelmed by home responsibilities
- Sarah β worked at a job to support husband
- Love her husband lots
- Jodi β full-time nurse and mother of two
- Blood pressure elevated and worn out
- She worked hard because she cared
- Janet β parent overwhelmed
- Didnβt contemplate her intense love
- Edith β attorney working long hours
- Practice
- Recognize LOVE is why you do what you do
- Recognize the good you do for others
- Simple and profound
- Goodness & Care = Buffer for Stress
- Youβre a hero & many people benefit from your actions
- FOCUS on the LOVE
- Slow down to focus on your own love
- Brings deserved peace
- Love must come first β Smiles canβt create love where love doesnβt exist
- ***Relaxation OCCURS when you remember YOUR OWN love!!!
- Questions:
- Why are you doing so much?
- Because you love
- Working Reasons
- Working because you HAVE TO β Stressful (treadmill life)
- Working because you LOVE OTHERS β Joyful
- Methodology
- Sit up straight (posture)
- Smile (physical show)
- Picture those you serve
- Feel the love (conjure up the emotion)
- List the service you give to that person or those people
- Realize the tremendous force
- Smile again β hold for at least 10 seconds
- (takes 15 seconds)
- Itβs free and takes little time
- Γ Practice regularlyΓ
- When?
- During the day & when stressed
- Study & Research
- Smile therapy β Russian research on monastery curing diseases
- Required to have good posture & smile
- Smiles change your brain chemistry
- Produce endorphins β promote wellbeing
- Can help reduce pain and give pleasure
- Very visible
- Empathize – Observed brain with MRI of people viewing expressions
- When you see a happy or sad face, your anterior insula would light up
- Your brain automatically responds to the outward emotions of others
- Automatic Response
- Close your eyes, and imagine being love and happy
- You automatically smile
- Practice Summarized
- Purpose
- Reflect on reasons you do things
- Realize and acknowledge you do because you love
- Re-adopt that reason (rather than the default reasoning of doing things because you βhave toβ)
- Practice
- Reflect on day
- Breathe deeply
- Ask, βWho do you do what you doβ?β
- Think about how much you care about the people you love
- When
- At the end or beginning of day
- When you feel⦠discouraged or overworked
- Purpose
- Smile therapy β Russian research on monastery curing diseases
10. Stop Doing What Doesnβt Work
- Story: Jack β cardiology patient β diabetes, too β stressed professional farmer
- Symptoms exacerbated by stress
- Complaining about high levels of stress in his life (demanding job, problematic marriage(both worn out β unkind to each other)
- Stressors were constant and just a part of life
- Cope with stress β
- Eating
- Watching TV
- Complaining!!!
- Suggestions for Jack
- Stop Complaining
- Stopping what doesnβt work
- Doesnβt know what to do, but
- There are a lot of things you can try
- Willingness to change β attitude or mindset
- Take responsibility and face your problems by trying solutions
- βYou can alter the ways that you respond to difficult experiences!β
- You need to change habits
- Accept that life has problems
- Some things in life will be problematic, so they need to accept what they CANβT change
- Response Matters
- βDoes how we respond make our lives worse or better?β
- Stop each and every action that isnβt making life better β probably by focusing on those actions that do
- Stopping what doesnβt work β helps us come up with what does work
- Control
- We have more control over our solutions than we think (think responsibility)
- Using the control, we DO HAVE β begins to make things better (think exercising choices)
- EMPOWERMENT β grasp, acknowledge and make those choices
- Perseverance
- Must keep practicing
- Pay attention & adjust
- Focus on solutions
- Focus on what does work
- Abandon what doesnβt
- Focusing on the problem so much doesnβt leave time or effort to focus on a solution
- Story: Sandy β grandmother resentfully caring for grandchildren
- Crabbiness was her unconscious response to the problem of her grandchildren
- Must give it up
- Think of several new solutions
- Talk more assertively
- Belly-breathing
- Enlist husband
- Story: Rebecca- executive β vice-president β heart problems
- Stress from stock market
- Market went down β she took it personally
- Comfort food used to manage stress β didnβt provide her with real strategies
- Provided good feelings and escape, but didnβt solve problems (and created more)
- Ineffective way of coping with a stressful life
- In fact, they cause other problems
- She didnβt recognize that this was her way of coping with stress
- CONCLUSION: Comfort Food DOESNβT WORK!!! β stop doing it!
- ANOTHER PROBLEM:
- As long as you rely on food as a solution β you are unlikely to implement the correct solutions
- Job strain related stress
- Research: can be deadly, & create all sorts of health problems (Dr Redford Williams)
- TEST THE SOLUTION:
- Does the solution (like eating comfort food) make you feel peaceful or in control of your life?
- Does the solution truly address the problem at hand?
- The skill
- Purpose
- Recognize ineffectiveness of current coping strategies
- Lean new more effective strategies
- Practice
- Identify difficult challenge (stress trigger)
- Shift attention to belly & breathe
- Imagine someone you love
- Hold positive feelings
- Ask questions (is it workingβ¦?) &seek better solution if itβs not working
- Purpose
11. Just Say No
- People need to be able to choose what they do
- Means rejecting that which they donβt want to do
- When acting against will = energy drain = stress trigger
- Problem
- People donβt know how to say, βnoβ
- Stories
- Sally β Brother in law dropped off children every Friday
- Helene β marketing director in Silicon valley corp β clients took advantage of her kindness
- Donna β happily married, but couldnβt say no to sex β husband dominated their sex life
- Jerome, therapist, had a client that demanded to be seen at 6pm (family time)
- Saying yes, but really meaning NO
- Unbalance
- What we say NO EQUAL to what we do =>> Stress is created!!!!
- Other words, Split between what we want & what we do causes stress [Benβs Note: I see this a lot in my life]
- Not being true to our self or inhibiting our true feelings causes stress
- Weakens our immune system and puts us on edge
- Being nice can set in motion a chain of reaction of hurt for yourself and lead to more stress in your life
- Your assent because you want to be nice is akin to psychological coercion.
- Coercion brings resentment
- Resentment is a form of powerlessness β we resent what we canβt change
- These feelings, if not extricated, fester and stress us
- Are you using your, βYesβ to buy affection and support?
- Afraid of being rejected if you say no
- Are you taking on the burdens of others?
- Using your, βyesβ as a sense of obligation to serve out of love
- Itβs a habit
- If saying yes is a bad habit, then replace it with the good habit: saying no
- Make a clear intention to do so
- Rehearse what you want to do differently
- Practice the new behavior
- There will be discomfort as you change
- Two things to remember
- The world wonβt end if you say, βNOβ
- Some ways of saying no are better than others
- You can say no without hurting others
- The concern: saying no is rude or selfish (incorrect paradigm)
- Correction: stating what you want is just being honest and forthright β good for all -especially you
- Getting the truth out is better
- Be assertive
- Express your needs
- Just need to develop some life change strategies for doing so
- The difficulty is the lack of skill or strategies of saying no in a way you and others are comfortable with (It can be done)
- Being assertive wonβt fix everything (you wonβt get everything you ask for), but it will relieve the unneeded stress from holding it in
- Doesnβt guarantee success β but gives you the best chance of it
- Three keys to effectively say no
- When itβs appropriate β sometimes you have obligations and just simply canβt refuse without repercussions
- Being assertive, non-assertive, and aggressive β donβt start bossing others around
- Practice small, then go big
- Solution: be more assertive
- Purpose
- You have an option to say no β just need the skill
- A false yes causes stress
- Practice
- Decide to do it
- Think about what your response will be, practice it, and put it to work
- Tips
- Will be uncomfortable at first
- The concern: saying no is rude or selfish (incorrect paradigm)
- Unbalance
12. Accept What You Cannot Change
- Foundation is the serenity prayer
- The Serenity Prayer says,
- βGrant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
- The courage to change the things I can,
- And the wisdom to know the difference.β
- Distinguish between things you can change and things you cannot
- Past: you canβt change the past
- Others: you donβt have control over others to change them
- Choices: you control your choices
- Own: you control yourself
- Sometimes there is nothing we can do to change things
- Humans are not always in charge
- Must just make peace with experiences
- Doesnβt matter
- How much courage we put into it
- How much effort and energy
- How much time
- Stories
- James-star volleyball player injured in accident β suffering
- Dorothy-fell at office and in pain
- Francine-husband left with no financial support-pain in neck
- Tom β heart patient complaining about his wife (wanted to change her)
- Leslie β son with brain tumor
- Torment from Life not being fair
- Power of acceptance
- Making peace from what you canβt change
- Introspection
- Accepting things you cannot control
- Ask yourself if you have βsubstantialβ βrealisticβ control over the situation
- Are you continually struggling with something that cannot be undone?
- Are you arguing with the cards you have been dealt?
- Nothing can change the events that CAUSED THEM DISTRESS.
- βThe past is immutableβ β but your present-day approach can be altered!
- The Process
- Need for grieving
- Importance of expressing feelings
- Loss, outrage, sadness, unfairness, despairβ¦
- Itβs normal to feel pain
- Need to express negative emotions
- (Important and necessary)
- Time needed to process loss (PROCESS)
- Traffic jam example
- Stuck in a traffic jam β getting to an important appointment
- Can you change it? No.
- What you canβt control? β the traffic jam
- What you can control? β your response to it
- What is the best response for you?
- Create negative feelings
- Create positive feelings
- Apply this learning to your own situation
- Getting out of the loop
- Make better choices
- Serve others
- Evaluate: can you change it?
- Accept or Change
- Accepting what you cannot change can bring peace
- Purpose
- Accept and make peace with things outside your control
- Practice
- Identify the source of your stress
- Assess if changing it is in your control
- (is it something in the past or another person you want to change?)
- Frustrated with a situation that wonβt go away
- Accept things you cannot change
- Get yourself in a peaceful state
- Ask, if canβt change, how to find peace.
- Power of acceptance
- The Serenity Prayer says,
13. No Time Like the Present
- 10 LifeSkills in all
- All roads lead to Roam β each skill will stop stress
- Which one do you use? β They will all work, it says.
- Build skills β handle lifeβs situations
- Start with any skill – – – Just START NOW
- Simple but Powerful
- Start
- Learn the skill in 10 minutes
- 1 min to 15 seconds to practice
- Results in 6 to 10 seconds
- Most immediate benefits – appreciation
- Appreciating other people and life itself
- Appreciating the good you do
- Practice
- Reading not enough
- Must apply
- Need to use regularly
- Begin practice β improvement happens immediately
- CAN TAKE 10-12 weeks to uncover a dysfunctional way of seeing/thinking/behaving & replace it with a NEW APPROACH
- Profound Lesson
- You create how the world appears
- You can control your reaction to external events
- CHOICES determine quality of life
- Take control of your life
- You ALWAYS have choice
- Is it working
- When you begin using a LifeSkill, you might wonder if it is working
- How to tell itβs working
- It becomes easier to remember and use the LifeSkill
- The benefits last longer
- The peace you experience becomes deeper
- You stay more centered
- You gain confidence with each victory
- Take charge of your life
- You have the power to control your stress
- This is the first day of the rest of your life
Afterward
- Practice
- It only takes a few minutes
- Margaretβs Story
- Her story is a perfect example
- Habit of non-stop rushing
- Did not set aside enough time to rest and play
- Two skills
- Slow Down
- Appreciate
- Forgot to practice
- The idea of slowing down felt like a burden
- Walking slowly
- Belief she could take time for herself
- Lists of gratitude
- Slow and intentional
- Pay attention
- Be present
- Walk slowly
- Eat with concentration
- Practice takes time
- Share with loved one things appreciated
See My Other Personal Development Works Reviews
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